28 July 2006

self-actualisation kinda sucks

so about three weeks ago we decided that we eat too much salt. we don't add anything to our food, but between the bacon in the morning and the peanuts we eat as snacks, it was a lot. so we added in oatmeal as one of our rotations in the morning. five days ago I realised that not only had I added in the carbs of the oatmeal, but all my eating out, beer-swilling, Indian food, paratha yumminess had caused a slight rise on the scale, enough to set off faint alarm bells. and so, in measured, completely logical fashion, I went back on full atkins induction. meaning 20 grams of carbs a day, the works.

now. this is of course only partially about the weight, as we all know, it's never just about the weight. it's about the imminent and all-too-familiar loss of control that uprooting has on one's body and psyche. in addition to the weight loss thing I've been having vivid dreams the last week--the kind where you wake up feeling like you've been run over by a bus--that involve things such as: frantically packing my things because it's the Thursday before my sister's wedding and I need to have the stuff packed, already--except that I'm at the wedding location (Denver) and my current location (Wales) at the same time. oh, and the stuff I'm packing, I slowly come to realise as I wrap it in paper, is in fact stuff that I haven't seen in two years because it's already packed in a storage unit in Redlands. yikes.

I realise that this is the same old thing we've gone through each and every summer for the last three, and the fact that the impending chaos/uprootedness of our lives should be mitigated by the theoretical light at the end of the tunnel that is the house we are trying to buy, settle into, and live in. but, in my awareness of how this all works, I know that won't be done/settled/sorted until, well, if we're lucky the first week of december.

and I also know that this is both about the impending move and about the general impending shift in our lives from nomad to sedentary--soooo 7th century, but still. and that, in turn, is about the shift I'm making from art history to politics, the shift we're both making from US to UK, from somewhat familiar (because let's face it, Virginia/Maryland was just as much of a culture shock as Wales) to always slightly unfamiliar.

what's horrid is that if I were a bit less cognisant of all of this, then perhaps someone sitting me down and telling me: hey, relax, this isn't about the house or the move, it's about this larger thing--then that would make me feel better. but I already know that. and so. 18 carbs yesterday...working on 3 thus far this morning. things I can control. and I know perfectly well why. self-actualisation. I wonder what that ignorance-bliss thing really feels like.

next: I acquiesce and add tags, including my fave: Shut up Rory!


Transient Gadfly said...

Dude. Don't, like, you know, stay on Atkins very long. Your kidneys won't enjoy it much.

Also, weird how you can be totally down with all the metaphors and your dreams are still totally loaded with symbolism.

I'm just sayin'....

Sam said...

To be fair to Atkins, we've 'been on Atkins' for more than 2 years now. But the totally insane, not-good-for-you-in-the-long-term, induction phase only lasts 2 weeks.

Anyone who does induction for more than 2 weeks is actually NOT on Atkins.

Same goes for people who bounce on and off induction. If you're trully 'on Atkins' then after the first few weeks your diet consists of tons of vegetables, a fair amount of meat and diary, no processed foods/sugar/flour/pasta/bread - in other words, a pretty healthy diet.

Rebecca said...

um yes--and I didn't say what I was wrapping: one of those manual, non-electric juicers....food for Freudian thought.